Dogs Have Been Lying to Each Other for Centuries — Just Like You Do on Social Media!
The Sunday Best Round Up #44
🐾 Guest Editor: Peggy Takes the Mic
Today is a Guest Post; featuring my dog Peggy.
She's going to reveal the strange and secret link between dog behaviour and human social media angst.
So without further ado… over to Peggy:
🌭 Bribery by Sausage
Well thanks for having me here, woof woof!
When my dog dad Mr JFT asked me to write this column I was highly honoured.
When he offered me 3 extra sausages I was dog-static!
Tbh I can barely get the thought of those lovely pink, sizzling, lumps of fat out of my mind, but I'll try….
🐶 The Great Doggy Deception: How We Trick the Pack
Yep today I want to edu-ma-cate you about the lies of social media… with a metaphor about dog urinary habits.
Yummy I know!
So me and Poppy (JFT's other dog) like to go for walks.
Obvs we're dogs… it's kinda what we're known for.
But here's the thing.
When we’re out in the ‘hood we like to trick other, unsuspecting, dogs about what an amazing life we lead.
I know pretty evil right?
Bwahaha Woof Woof Woof Bwahaha!
How do we do it?
Well we let them know all the cool places we've been to by urinating at them.
🚪 Pet Shop Pretenders
Take yesterday par example…
Old JFT took us out for a walk (bless his kind, and ever so simple, heart ❤️).
First stop; we peed outside the pet shop which sells all the yummiest treats in town.
It was shut so we didn't actually get any treats.
But the other dogs don't know that do they?
As far as they know our pungent aroma outside means we’ve had a great time.
I can imagine them all now proper woofing with jealousy that we'd been out chompin’ on meat based doggy snacks.
Making them feel super sad about their own meaningless and drab existence.
🐕 Goosie’s Existential Doggy Crisis
In fact I heard Goosie the terrier from up our street agonisingly woofing to himself…
“That Peggy and Poppy have been up the pet shop again.
I've not been in WEEKS.
My owner must hate me.
Maybe my bark's too low?
My coat's not shiny enough?
I'm just not loveable and my life is pointless.
Nooooooooooo!”
Poor old Goosie. [1.]
🌊 Beach Life Lies
Anyway after the pet shop we trotted to the beach.
Yep the one where the completely bonkers idiot JFT throws himself into cold water every morning.
Literally no sense that man!
Wim Hof?
Wim Cough more like… spluttering and sneezing in his stupid pink Hawaiian swim shorts every morning.
What a weirdo loser!
Anyway suffice to say me and Poppy had a few bladder emptyings on the beach.
Signaling to all the other dogs, who would later sniff our scent, what cool surf dudette-doggies we are…
Hanging out on the sand, swimming in the sea and having a woof-tastic time.
Little do they know we're both petrified of the water, and the sand/pebble combo proper irritates my paws.
But leaving our scent on the beach makes all those other dogs think we live an absolute Malibu surf life.
We are such little schemers.
And do you know what?
From what I see; you strange human types do similar false things too.
📱 Humans and Their Own Sneaky Tricks
I sometimes unlock JFTs phone for a little doggy doom scrolling and I see pictures of families all sun kissed, eating at fancy restaurants, smiling joyfully.
Two minutes earlier they were arguing over where to seat, what to eat, and who was paying.
But the photo makes it look like THE BEST experience ever.
Thus making all the other pathetic touchy feely little humanoids on the insta-spam and flakebook feel they have sad and lonely lives by comparison.
🏞 The Tropical Waterfall of Doom
Or other times I’ll see a happy young couple (big white teeth and non saggy bodies) dropping pics of some amazing waterfall all tropical, lush and wellness-full.
No mention of the 2 hour hike which they’d just sweated, swore and argued throughout… and would probably lead to their subsequent relationship breakup!
But the waterfall shot makes all the other couples sat at home on their phones, eating microwave dinners, in matching Mickey Mouse Pyjamas, super, super jealous.
See you human types like to project an amazing false life, as much as us urinating doggy woggys.
💤 My Big Fat Doggy Confession
And here’s my big shocking dog-fession…
TBH my life is pretty mundane.
I spend 80% of it asleep, 10% sniffing other dogs arses, and 10% having a bit of a walk.
(Although thinking about it I do love a good arse sniff so maybe it's not so bad).
🧠 Peggy’s Deep Life Lesson
But no matter… let this be a friendly doggy reminder to you.
Social media is not real life.
Don't let it fool you.
Live your own actual reality.
It's enough.
It’s always enough.
Because you're enough.
Always.
🔥 Closing Thoughts: Sausage Emergency
Well that's about enough doggy-philosophising.
I'm off to have a word about these sausages:
“JFT have you got that bloody grill going yet, I’m fam-ooshed?”
Have a wooferly Sunday,
Peggy
[1] Goosie is a real life cute little terrier in our neighbourhood.
His name isn't actually Goosie..
I mean if we're getting all philo-mo-sophical about it he doesn’t have a name.
Except the one foisted on him by his owner.
Which if we’re getting deeper down the philosophical - rabbit - hole he is not ‘owned’ either.
But anyway JFT calls him “Goosie”, because I literally honked with excitement in a goose-like fashion upon seeing him one day, as I've got a bit of a crush on him!
The oldie-baldie that is JFT said he wished he'd filmed that encounter.
In his words:
“The sight of an old, quite portly, dog with only 2 teeth having a goose honk at a tiny little terrier may well have been inter-webz gold.”
He reckons he could have been up there with those Ticky Tocky - Me Tubers like Mr. Beast.
Getting all kind of merch. deals and general web-fluence.
I occasionally see a teeny weeny tear drop down his little human cheek-let when he remembers.
Aaah… bless his simple barnacles!
[2] This entire story came from a comment JFT’s daughter made about us doggies wee-ing outside the pet shop to pretend we were living a great life, to other dogs, and she compared it to the fakers on social media. (Just in case JFT wanted to take full credit the dirty filthy scammer!)
Note I shared on Substack this week:
Article I Wrote on Substack this Week:
Therapy Secrets of an Ikea Loving Counsellor - This article is about my heroic attempts to save the world (ok, my family) one bookshelf at a time, while secretly having a meltdown bigger than an over-shaken Coke can. Somewhere between Freud pops in for weird fruity theories and my counsellor gets her DIY on. I then discover the shocking truth: if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re just a sad, fizzy mess waiting to erupt.
5 6 Health and Wellness Articles I Enjoyed on Substack This Week:
Goodbye Ego, see you around! - The ego, how to tame it, and the challenges of celebrity culture. All nicely covered off by
in this piece.I Didn’t Feel Like Writing This. So I Did. I mean “Talk Shit, Live Well” - the name alone Merits a glance (imho). I think its now 2nd on my list of fun-shit-named newsletters after
whose newsletter is Workmanshit! Oh get on with it JFT honestly… rabbiting on about the Substack name…what about the bloody article you fool? Ah OK sorry about that (demanding ego much!) Yep this is a cool read by on getting into flow, the joy and not-so-joy of Writing. A must read for any Substacker.A Surprisingly Tricky Question - This piece offers a good question for all of us, and some nice back story from
“STRAWBERRIES and CREAM”—The Vital Importance of Savoring The Simple Pleasures of Life - WARNING- This delicious writing from
may make you hungry 🍓🍓The Rebel Diet: Intentional Eating vs. Goblin Mode Eating - Some great tips on sensible eating for your heart and soul from
We Are Foster Failures & Loving Every Minute Of It - This short piece, with lovely dog photos, about fostering dogs seemed to chime with today (as my 2 dogs are rescues) so check it out. Thanks
and
If you enjoyed this week’s newsletter; pur-lease fill out the 1 question survey below:
To Lazy Sunday Afternoons,
JFT Beach
PS Thanks to the following for… well… following!
Yep this week the following lovely people have started following me on Substack thanks to all of you:
Haha I love that comparison between faking doggies and faking social media influencers. You've got yourself your very own doggo influencer 🐕
This was such a refreshing innovative perspective of social media, what we see and what we don’t see. When written through the dogs eyes it seems so simple and for the most part it is obvious to know the difference between what is shown and what is. Life isn’t just happiness and rainbows it’s everything that’s in between and so many people (including myself) get caught in the comparison trap.
Thanks for the mention as well, it actually made my day ☺️