hoo BOY honey, did you ever hit the nail on the head with this one. As anyone dealing with illnesses (especially chronic ones) can attest, the #1 most harmful thing people do is make suggestions - and it's not because they are coming from a place of judgement or hostility, because usually it's just the opposite. It's because often the person suggesting doesn't have the full picture (for any number of health privacy reasons) and is not directly involved in that particular patient's care, so they don't know what has been tried or not, what has worked or not, what could be dangerous or not, etc. Simply being there and being a friend is what we want. It's more than enough, and often what people are afraid to give, especially if someone gets a heavy diagnosis like cancer. (And yes, I have had friends get cancer and say exactly this, that people simply fall away as friends just because they don't know how to react.)
First up I am so happy to see you on here Sharon.🙂 Thanks for commenting. Definitely too easy to get into the giving advice trap,much harder to just be with a person unconditionally. But as you say it's what they want.
Spot on. We have to connect to the need which is often hidden under fear. Rosenburg's Non Violent Communication method is excellent for explaining this. But is it easy to do? Not often! Judgement often creeps in, even for the best of intentions. It's worth trying, though!
I love your views on "understanding the fear." - I do think it's easier to write people off as 'wrong' than to do the harder work of understanding where they're coming from.
Enjoyed this one and also felt a bit called out. I’ve definitely fallen into the judgement space with one of my family members. This is reminding me to consider where their neglect of their health is coming from and to remember how I want to be with the people in my life.
Your Sundays just keep getting better! The image of you frolicking in the surf. Your character comes through so clearly in your writing and I just love getting to know you more.
Yes, compassion and connection is,definitely needed! And Tara Brach is great at the wisdom bit. I meditate, so have done some Tara meditations on my Calm app and love her RAIN practice too - recognize, allow, investigate, nurture (not burrito, phone! Sigh autocorrect) to delve into our emotions. Thanks for this! 👏
Totally with you on that conversation with someone close. It’s so easy from the outside to see things that they could do different, but from their point of view? And maybe those actions wouldn’t work for them. They didn’t let us into their lives so we could tamper with their stuff.
It's been a while since I've related to a post this much. I'm not even in the US but I needed to read this. Nudging joy into my every day... I actually quite like folding laundry since I found a way to make them into little packages!
hoo BOY honey, did you ever hit the nail on the head with this one. As anyone dealing with illnesses (especially chronic ones) can attest, the #1 most harmful thing people do is make suggestions - and it's not because they are coming from a place of judgement or hostility, because usually it's just the opposite. It's because often the person suggesting doesn't have the full picture (for any number of health privacy reasons) and is not directly involved in that particular patient's care, so they don't know what has been tried or not, what has worked or not, what could be dangerous or not, etc. Simply being there and being a friend is what we want. It's more than enough, and often what people are afraid to give, especially if someone gets a heavy diagnosis like cancer. (And yes, I have had friends get cancer and say exactly this, that people simply fall away as friends just because they don't know how to react.)
First up I am so happy to see you on here Sharon.🙂 Thanks for commenting. Definitely too easy to get into the giving advice trap,much harder to just be with a person unconditionally. But as you say it's what they want.
Spot on. We have to connect to the need which is often hidden under fear. Rosenburg's Non Violent Communication method is excellent for explaining this. But is it easy to do? Not often! Judgement often creeps in, even for the best of intentions. It's worth trying, though!
Thanks Lisa I appreciate your comments and I'll check out your suggestion.
I love your views on "understanding the fear." - I do think it's easier to write people off as 'wrong' than to do the harder work of understanding where they're coming from.
I hope you have a good week ahead.
So so true
Enjoyed this one and also felt a bit called out. I’ve definitely fallen into the judgement space with one of my family members. This is reminding me to consider where their neglect of their health is coming from and to remember how I want to be with the people in my life.
Thanks Jillian. We ALL do it!
Your Sundays just keep getting better! The image of you frolicking in the surf. Your character comes through so clearly in your writing and I just love getting to know you more.
Thanks Teri. It’s not a pretty image 😋
I respectfully disagree. The image inside my mind is a very happy and joyful one. Those emotions are very pretty.
Yes, compassion and connection is,definitely needed! And Tara Brach is great at the wisdom bit. I meditate, so have done some Tara meditations on my Calm app and love her RAIN practice too - recognize, allow, investigate, nurture (not burrito, phone! Sigh autocorrect) to delve into our emotions. Thanks for this! 👏
I think Burrito sound better tbh 🙂 Thanks for your comments and I too love the RAIN thing; it’s the screensaver on my phone as reminder.
I'm all for RAIB - recognize allow investigate burrito! 😅
Love it!
Totally with you on that conversation with someone close. It’s so easy from the outside to see things that they could do different, but from their point of view? And maybe those actions wouldn’t work for them. They didn’t let us into their lives so we could tamper with their stuff.
And hey, thanks for the mention!
You're welcome Tim and thanks fir your comment
Keep it going!
Thank you!!
It's been a while since I've related to a post this much. I'm not even in the US but I needed to read this. Nudging joy into my every day... I actually quite like folding laundry since I found a way to make them into little packages!
Thanks Nadine that's really nice of you to stay. Keep up that mindful laundry 🙂
Folding and smiling!