My Morning Routine Involves Darth Vader and Creamy Strawberries, What About You?
Welcome to my surreal, fruit based, beach life.
Welcome to Just Beach Happy - your weekly splash of salty stories, seaside silliness, and real-life reflections.
My Strange Bodily Sensations
Last Monday I felt burning hot and then suddenly freezing cold.
Was I ill with a fever?
Struggling with heavy emotions?
Having an internal thermometer malfunction?
Nah mate it was just for lolz.
I had an early morning sauna, and ocean dip, to begin the day.
Scene 1: The Beach Sauna
I sat in the hot wooden hut, watching the waves sway, in a hypnotic fashion, about 50 yards away,
My mind slowed down, floating in a happy place, like a frog on a very comfy lillipad.
Meanwhile my body heated up like a baked potato in an Ninja Dual Action air fryer.
A yummy combination of bliss and warmth, which I luxuriated in until the timer showed 15 minutes were up.
Scene 2: The Deep Blue Sea Plunge
Now for the cold.
I ran from the sauna, barefoot and sweaty, into the sea in my
Best
Bright
Blue
Bathers
(because all the b's).
Diving into the water I felt like a fat, juicy, sausage hitting a hot bbq grill.
Ssssssssssssssssss!
[Editor’s Note: I did not look at all like a fat, juicy, sausage and any rumours of me being chased up the beach by a pack of hungry dogs looking for a processed meat snack have been cruelly exaggerated].
The cool, quenching, sea water rapidly dropped my roasting body temperature.
Joyous.
That speedy hot to cold sensation is perhaps my favourite in the world.
It makes the whole body feel giddily alive and the cranium filled with monkey meditation vibes.
Scene 3: The Water Ball Game
More pleasure followed as I saw a good few of my swimming gang in the water.
They were happily throwing an old red dog ball around in an early morning game of catch.
I swam through them and joined in briefly.
Such fun.
Then with my body cooled I headed back to the sauna.
Scene 4: The Extra Hot Beach Sauna
I planned to get REALLY HOT in this sitting.
My brain decided it was time to assert some primal dominance… or something!
Although sat in a sauna on my own I'm not sure who I was trying to impress.
Probably the wooden bench.
Gotta maintain a strong image around that guy.
Last thing I need is an inanimate wooden object trash talking me:
“Check out Mr. Weakling over there.
15 minutes then he’s in that sea cooling off.
Didn’t even burn half his face off with the hot coals; pathetic!”
So to avoid any bench based degradation of character I filled the ladle with water and anointed the hot, hot rocks with cold, cold H2O.
Much steam.
Much spluttering.
Scene 5: In a Galaxy Far, Far, Away…
And if I wasn't mistaken, my very laboured and exaggerated breathing pattern was now matching Darth Vader.
In his full helmet…
After he's run up the stairs of the Death Star…
Because the elevator was out of action, following a dirty protest by a captured Ewok.
[To listen in on the conversation between a very annoyed Darth Vader and his Death Star Commander please see the PS at the end of this article.]
Scene 6: Back To The Sauna
After another heat session I ended with a sea dip.
(I always end on cold; more invigorating imho).
I wandered back in from the sea to dry off and change.
The guy who runs the sauna was standing there.
Scene 7: Breakfast On The Beach
He’d poured me a glass of fresh OJ and laid it next to a plate of strawberries with a small pot of cream.
Yum-diddly-scrumptious Mr. Wonka!
I was super thrilled and sat watching the waves again, consuming tasty fruit and cream goodness.
Scene 8: The Inner Workings of My Brain:
To quote the beautiful songstress Lou Reed … it was a perfect day.
And it was only 8am.
Not all my days start like this, but most do involve a sea swim.
Because there’s something special about capturing the morning.
Carving time out to do something positive before work and family gets their loving claws clamped around your armpits shoulders.
It could be meditation, walking. swimming, journalling, running, or gym work.
In my experience; exercise…
Ideally outdoor exercise…
Gives you the best start to your day; but your results may vary.
However a little bit of time for you, and your health, first thing in the morning pays big dividends.
Maybe I'm preaching to the converted anyway?
*** If so I'd love to know what your morning routine looks like, so please share it in the comments below. ***
Happy Sunday,
JFT Beach
PS The earlier mentioned discussion between the dark lord of the evil empire and his nearest sidekick would sound something like this:
Darth Vader:
“Commander; dispatch a crew of Storm Troopers with warp speed rubber gloves and turbo charged mop.
That elevator stinks like Jabba’s latrine on the 7th outer ring of Tatooine.”
Death Star Commander:
“Yes Lord Vader I'll dispatch those Troopers immediately.
Permission to assist you in a sincere way that may annoy you a teeny weenie bit?”
Darth Vader:
“Permission granted.
However Commander… DO NOT FORGET there is a ban on the words teeny and weenie yellow polka bikini on board ship, due to their frivolous non-evil empire nature.”
Death Star Commander:
“Understood Lord Vader.
I merely wanted to point out that you are a bit sweaty after your stair run and may want to take a nice cool shower.”
[Lord Vader holds his hands out menacingly towards the commander’s neck in a gripping motion.
The Commander is lifted off the floor 50 feet in the air and dropped to the ground violently.]
Lord Vader:
“Insult my armpits again and it will be your last act Commander”.
Commander:
“Understood Lord Vader. Won't happen again chief.”
[The Commander whispers under his breath “Ooooooo talk about touchy what’s up with her today!”]
Note Joke I wrote on Substack this week:
Article I Wrote on Substack this Week:
WARNING ⚠️ This Might Make You Cry, Smile, and Hug Your Dog (Not in That Order)
Welcome to Just Beach Happy - your weekly splash of salty stories, seaside silliness, and real-life reflections.Bring the Beach to your Inbox… Subscribe for funny, sunny and thoughtful stories.
5 9 Articles I Enjoyed on Substack This Week:
The Hidden Cost of Constant Headlines - A good article by
on the perils of too much media consumption. Over Covid, the worst excesses of Boris Johnson, here in the UK, and Trump now in the US ... I found myself drawn back in. Always to my detriment, until I realised and deleted the Facebook app and stop visiting the BBC news.The Perfect Summer Morning - A lovely ode to a local lake by
5 Things I Do Every Week To Stay Spiritually Strong (Even on the Hard Weeks) This is a great little listicle of spiritual practice from
I particularly resonate with the self help world of "I" versus the importance of deep connection with others.What did you do yesterday? - I really enjoyed this day in the life of
It was nicely written as such a piece could quickly become boring to read, but it wasn't. Recommended reading from a relatively new Substacker.The Call of the Old Ways - I LOVED this by
; looking back to how we may have lived in times gone by.Top 5 Things My Kids Have Said That Absolutely Wrecked Me - This was fun to read. Thanks
… kids do say some funny and jarring things for sure. Mine are teens now so everything is dripping with sarcasm and "I know more than you old man-ness". But they're still very sweet... sometimes!Why I Threw Oatmeal at a Wall and Then Biked 3,166 Miles -
’s spectacular account of quitting corporate life.How to Dance With Your Demons (And Steal Their Best Moves) - A great introduction to shadow work and how to use your shadows to your own advantage. Nice work from
The Beaver’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Life - A little beaver knowledge and some helpful life lessons from
To Lazy Sunday Afternoons,
JFT Beach
PS Thanks to the following for… well… following!
Yep this week the following lovely people have started following me on Substack; thanks to all of you:
This article deserves its own Oscar in the category of Best Short Story Featuring a Bench with Opinions. Glorious work, John.
Happy New Week to you.
I read this out loud to my Hobbit this morning and he said “he’s got my vote as skilled in blurring the line between real life and Star Wars life”