The Day My Daughter's Shoe Became an Underwater Crab Patisserie
A cautionary river swimming tale.
Welcome to The Sunday Float #4 where I share my short story for the week.
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Dastardly Tales of The River Bank
Confession:
I'd rather let a machete wielding toddler, drinking Red Bull, give me a vasectomy pedicure, than go river swimming ever again.
Why?
Well listen up my furry friend and you’ll find out in this breathtaking tale of crab thieves, odious waters, and sliced up legs.
Are you standing uncomfortably? … Then I'll begin…
Cooling Off from the Heat
Last weekend I was away camping with my kids, several mates, and their kids.
It was a hot Saturday so I suggested we all cool off in a river.
A Beautiful Setting in Nature
We lolloped off down a deer coloured dusty track, lovingly sheltered by the massive green nature umbrella of the surrounding trees.
After ten minutes we came to a muddy beach and an old wooden pontoon where people were crab fishing.
In the river there was a tortilla flotilla of paddle boarders drifting downstream.
The far river bank was a calming green of bushes, and cows wandering aimlessly; munching on grass like Chewbacca at an all you can eat buffet.
A pleasant enough scene… at least so it seemed …
[Cue suspenseful piano music]
The Painful Mistake of Not Wearing Shoes
Me and the kids changed into swim gear and began wading into the water (my mates sensibly sat this one out, cheers guys!).
Some of us wore shoes.
Some of us didn't.
Within seconds, the shoeless were screaming in pain.
Glass-sharp rocks lay hidden in the reeds and murky water.
Cutting into legs and feet like a knife through olive oil.
Most of the kids hastily retreated but my daughter was shoed and so continued… but not for long!
[Repeat of suspenseful piano music]
Things That Get Lost in The River
Daughter: “Dad I’ve lost one of my crocs in the mud”.
Me: “OK let’s see if we can find it, where is it?”
Daughter: “Somewhere in here”
[Daughter points to a mah-oo-sive area of river].
Me: “Lovely jubbly that narrows it down. We’ll soon be finding that then… NOT!”.
Swim Dad to The Rescue
I took a deep breath and dove under.
The river was the colour and texture of bath water after our dogs have been dunked following a particularly muddy walk.
It gave murky, slimy, ‘Gollum’s little lake’ vibes.
(Maybe he had the precious shoe.)
It Soon Got a Bit Grim
Undeterred, as I was in dad-the-hero mode, my fingers explored the disgustingly gross out exquisite combination of slime and sharp below me.
Finding Red Bull
I did unearth an empty can of energy drink, and sausage roll wrapper, but ne’er a shoe was to be found.
After about 10 minutes I quit this impossible task.
But if you think that was bad, things then took on a really surreal and criminal turn…
Meanwhile Under The Water…
It turns out my daughter's shoes had been stolen by a rather large French crab called Jean-Pierre Papin.
He was quite the dashing franco-crab with twirling jet black moustache, blue and white striped shirt and a tiny baguette in his left claw (no butter to assert his masculinity).
Pierre’s Back Story:
2 weeks earlier Pierre, his wife Matilde, and their two young children Claude and Patrice, had been caught in French waters.
They'd escaped their captors fishing boat and travelled to England, on the back of a large and accommodating Atlantic cod, ending up in this very river.
THAT Moment When a Family of French Crabs Gets Re-Homed
Anyway back to the current story…
When the crabs saw my daughter’s shoe they were delighted…
Pierre: “Matilde, Matilde. Look, look at this shoe - a perfect new home for us. C’est magnifique.”
Matilde: “Oh Pierre. C’est beau”
Pierre: “Oui oui we are so lucky. With this new house shoe we can start again… rebuild… There’s even room for a mini-patisserie”.
Matilde: “Ooh la la. It can be like the old days in Paris, Pierre. You can serve your famous clam au chocolat and shrimp croissant. They’ll be lining up, sideways, to get in. I am SO happy. I love you to the plankton and back my little rufty tufty claws”.
Pierre: “And I love you too Matilde. Your eyes are as dark and creepy as the eternal gloom in the deepest of haunted rock pools”
Matilde: “Awwww. You say the nicest things Pierre”.
A Shoe With a Bigger Purpose Than Mere Feet
And with that my daughter’s shoe vanished.
But I think even she’d agree it had gone to a better place.
In Conclusion
And that my dear friend is why I detest river swimming:
The water’s muddy, you get cut to bits, and a homeless French crab family steals your shoe.
Granted that’s only one river, maybe others are better, or maybe I’m just in De Nile (geddit?)
But for now it’s sea swimming over river swimming every day of my week.
*** Please do inundate me in the comments with rivers stories of clear, azure water and friendly non- criminal crustaceans as I’m deeply un happy to be proven wrong. ***
Have a great Sunday,
JFT Beach
Note I shared on Substack this week:
Last Week’s Wednesday Dip (4 of the Best Substack Articles and Health and Happiness)
4 Lovely, Simple and Fun Ways to Feel Happier
Welcome to The Wednesday Dip; 4 of the best health and happiness Substack articles I’ve found this week.
PS Thanks to the following for… well… following!
Yep this week the following lovely people have started following me on Substack thanks to all of you:
PPS Another of my home made (strictly no AI) jokes this week:
Cute story! You succeeded at making river swimming disgustingly unappealing. In Hawaii, we need to wear surf shoes in the ocean though cause we have lava rocks here!
😂 That crab back story though!!!