100% agree that not everything needs to be turned into a story for online engagement. Especially not when it concerns other people. We always have to be mindful of other people's privacy.
I'm sorry you had a challenging day regarding someone you care about. And how lovely that you were recognized and seen as needing a little space for self-care.
I think your question is an excellent contemplation - how much is too much to share? I try to ask myself when writing and sharing personal history, especially if it involves another, "What's my agenda" in the telling? Circumstances and experiences can be weighed differently, so it depends. Having said that, while I do my best to be mindful, I have crossed the line.
It’s tough. I always try to have a clear point and purpose in my storytelling while being mindful of privacy. I leave out identifying details and sometimes change certain aspects to ensure no one can figure out who it might be.
Cold plunges: every time I plunge through the door to the inhospitable outside world and it’s -30 C I question the need for reality to ever be so frikkin cold!
On the personal stories- I have in the past published a couple that maybe crossed the line. But the people involved crushed my soul, and I own my own story. I can do as I wish with my truth. If they happen to be a part of it and a tied unethically and with cruelty, they deserve whatever grief they get from being a soul crusher.
That seagull complaint department deserves a raise. But seriously you found a way to write about something hard while respecting boundaries. Not easy to do. Sometimes a beach log and a tilted mocha are exactly what we need to process the heavy stuff. Have a good week ahead :)
Great article and interesting points about boundaries and how much to share about others. I do share about other family members, but only as part of the conversation about grief/loss and addiction. So I talk about my mom and her alcoholism and subsequent death, and I talk about my aunt and her passing (and also former alcoholism). And of course they aren't around to comment on my writing about them...but I write about them as a way to help me process my grief around those losses and to share what I've learned around that in a way that is hopefully helpful/relatable.
A perfect example Caitlin of my point- your situation is unique and you make informed decisions based on that. Thanks for your view as it gives a really good personal perspective for others to read. Take care.
Thanks, John. I do sometimes wonder...am i just airing my family's dirty laundry/skeletons in the closet? But I feel/hope the benefits outweigh the negatives. And I'm not bad mouthing them...I'm stating facts (and my personal experiences/feelings)
It's an emotional tightrope but only you can judge where the balance lies I think. One thing I know is that every single person is so unique that hard n fast rules don't tend to work.
I am really sorry that you've been dealing with such a hard and unsettling time. I am glad you got time off from work to deal and cope on your own terms. Your boss sounds like a compassionate soul.
Regarding sharing deeply personal things online, my rule of thumb is to keep it personal, as in first-person narrative context. This Substack is actually an outlet for me to work through my issues, so I do feel comfortable discussing my own mental health journey. I don't feel comfortable or ethical about including others in regards to my journey.
I agree that having boundaries and some self regulation when writing deeply personal things for online platforms is a necessity.
First off, JFT, I hope the big thing that happened to you and your loved one is finding its way to showing you the depth of love you have in your soul. Cuz that’s the ultimate purpose of big things that happen. In my opinion. To reveal the depth of love.
Secondly, what a great boss you have to compassionately send you home from work for crying. That’s love right there.
Third. For you to openly admit you cried in public, and admit that to a public audience shows the depth of self love you have for your own self and your emotions!
Now. The line between what to share and what not to share…you found it. Share your stuff. Any and all you want. Keep others stuff private for them to share as they so wish.
That said, your kids will read these articles voraciously and often when you are gone one day. This is your legacy. To be shared with your kids and grandkids.
My parents, specifically my mother, is deep into genealogy. And she relishes the letters and stories left by her ancestors. My ancestors. They reveal truths about who we are and how we love. We do t have much in that history. Such a blessing that our kids will have a ton of these stories to relish in our legacy.
#3 - That's a biggie. I would have been totally "macho embarrassed" a few years back but it is totally cool. It had to happen, so did. End of... no issues my end. That's defo. been a personal growth thing.
That is a good perspective to consider future generations looking at this stuff - should keep me on the straight 'n' crooked!!
I enjoy your witty writing style John🤩 and i m not able to write like that, though i ‘d like to:)
what to share and what not on social media: for me it’s not a “therapy” nor my “private diary” lilke for some(at least i perceive it so sometimes when i read their pieces), it’s about my passions and my work- yoga, breathing, health, education.
To decide what to share: i’d ask myself:” would my partner or my kid like to read this about me/us online? Can i sleep well after publishing this?! Because boundaries are super important…
100% agree that not everything needs to be turned into a story for online engagement. Especially not when it concerns other people. We always have to be mindful of other people's privacy.
Thanks Sophie
I think I was meant to read this and hit pause on my next blog post. Thank you!
No problems Karen glad if it helped
How do you manage to be simultaneously funny and thought-provoking, JFT? Compliments aside, I agree that we need to protect the privacy of others.
Thanks for the compliment Jeannie that's super kind of you. I am glad you enjoyed it.
I'm sorry you had a challenging day regarding someone you care about. And how lovely that you were recognized and seen as needing a little space for self-care.
I think your question is an excellent contemplation - how much is too much to share? I try to ask myself when writing and sharing personal history, especially if it involves another, "What's my agenda" in the telling? Circumstances and experiences can be weighed differently, so it depends. Having said that, while I do my best to be mindful, I have crossed the line.
What's my agenda is a really good question to ask thanks for that.
Happy it’s helpful.
It’s tough. I always try to have a clear point and purpose in my storytelling while being mindful of privacy. I leave out identifying details and sometimes change certain aspects to ensure no one can figure out who it might be.
Same here anonymous is good for others
Cold plunges: every time I plunge through the door to the inhospitable outside world and it’s -30 C I question the need for reality to ever be so frikkin cold!
That is VERY cold Tim!
I know people here cut holes in the ice and jump in the water. Not me!
On the personal stories- I have in the past published a couple that maybe crossed the line. But the people involved crushed my soul, and I own my own story. I can do as I wish with my truth. If they happen to be a part of it and a tied unethically and with cruelty, they deserve whatever grief they get from being a soul crusher.
Everyone's thoughts and reasons are absolutely unique there is no "right " way with this I don't believe
That seagull complaint department deserves a raise. But seriously you found a way to write about something hard while respecting boundaries. Not easy to do. Sometimes a beach log and a tilted mocha are exactly what we need to process the heavy stuff. Have a good week ahead :)
Thanks Neela I'm glad you enjoyed the read. Take care...
Great article and interesting points about boundaries and how much to share about others. I do share about other family members, but only as part of the conversation about grief/loss and addiction. So I talk about my mom and her alcoholism and subsequent death, and I talk about my aunt and her passing (and also former alcoholism). And of course they aren't around to comment on my writing about them...but I write about them as a way to help me process my grief around those losses and to share what I've learned around that in a way that is hopefully helpful/relatable.
A perfect example Caitlin of my point- your situation is unique and you make informed decisions based on that. Thanks for your view as it gives a really good personal perspective for others to read. Take care.
Thanks, John. I do sometimes wonder...am i just airing my family's dirty laundry/skeletons in the closet? But I feel/hope the benefits outweigh the negatives. And I'm not bad mouthing them...I'm stating facts (and my personal experiences/feelings)
It's an emotional tightrope but only you can judge where the balance lies I think. One thing I know is that every single person is so unique that hard n fast rules don't tend to work.
Another great Sunday read! 🙌 I think your sense of determining what to share or not share is spot on!
Thanks Nancy glad you enjoyed it
I am really sorry that you've been dealing with such a hard and unsettling time. I am glad you got time off from work to deal and cope on your own terms. Your boss sounds like a compassionate soul.
Regarding sharing deeply personal things online, my rule of thumb is to keep it personal, as in first-person narrative context. This Substack is actually an outlet for me to work through my issues, so I do feel comfortable discussing my own mental health journey. I don't feel comfortable or ethical about including others in regards to my journey.
I agree that having boundaries and some self regulation when writing deeply personal things for online platforms is a necessity.
Wishing you and your loved ones all the best!
Thanks Alex - sounds like we have similar thoughts on this. Appreciate you taking the time to comment.
First off, JFT, I hope the big thing that happened to you and your loved one is finding its way to showing you the depth of love you have in your soul. Cuz that’s the ultimate purpose of big things that happen. In my opinion. To reveal the depth of love.
Secondly, what a great boss you have to compassionately send you home from work for crying. That’s love right there.
Third. For you to openly admit you cried in public, and admit that to a public audience shows the depth of self love you have for your own self and your emotions!
Now. The line between what to share and what not to share…you found it. Share your stuff. Any and all you want. Keep others stuff private for them to share as they so wish.
That said, your kids will read these articles voraciously and often when you are gone one day. This is your legacy. To be shared with your kids and grandkids.
My parents, specifically my mother, is deep into genealogy. And she relishes the letters and stories left by her ancestors. My ancestors. They reveal truths about who we are and how we love. We do t have much in that history. Such a blessing that our kids will have a ton of these stories to relish in our legacy.
Hi Teri, Thanks for your thoughtful reply...
#1 - Yep it definitely has.
#2 - Yep she's pretty thoughtful.
#3 - That's a biggie. I would have been totally "macho embarrassed" a few years back but it is totally cool. It had to happen, so did. End of... no issues my end. That's defo. been a personal growth thing.
That is a good perspective to consider future generations looking at this stuff - should keep me on the straight 'n' crooked!!
Cheers Teri
on the straight and crooked. I love that.
Thank you for the mention, it means a lot 🙏🏻🎊😻
Always very welcome
I enjoy your witty writing style John🤩 and i m not able to write like that, though i ‘d like to:)
what to share and what not on social media: for me it’s not a “therapy” nor my “private diary” lilke for some(at least i perceive it so sometimes when i read their pieces), it’s about my passions and my work- yoga, breathing, health, education.
To decide what to share: i’d ask myself:” would my partner or my kid like to read this about me/us online? Can i sleep well after publishing this?! Because boundaries are super important…
I agree. I share whatever if it's about me solely but when it involves others that's where I dial diwn much more (and largely don't do it)
Exactly 💯
Thanks for this article! You have put words to something I have been struggling with, myself!
Good luck with it Alex
This is a really interesting article JFT, you’re right - where do we draw the line about what’s acceptable?
I think what you’ve chosen to write about instead of your friends’ pain, was the right choice.
Thanks Selda I hope you are well